Teacher: Why are you late?
Manu: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Manu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Manu: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Manu: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

Teacher: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Manu: Me!

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Manu: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time."

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Manu: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Manu: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Manu: A teacher

* There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
* You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
* You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.
* Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
* You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".
* You hide everything from your parents.
* Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
* You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
* Everyone is a family friend.
* Everyone always called you for help on homework.
* You read law, medicine or engineering at university.
* You were thick (i.e. stupid) so you studied accounting or business instead.
* You know no one who has studied music.
* You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
* You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
* Your best friend got married at the age of 16.
* You only make telephone calls after 6pm (discounts) or after 9 p.m.
* You like the meat well done.
* You eat onions with everything.
* You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
* You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your parents.
* You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.
* You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.
* You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
* You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".
* You secure your baggage with a rope.
* You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
* You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.
* You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of...the royal family.
* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
* Your Dad drives a GM.
* You're rich so he drives a Mercedes.

(For females)

* You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable
* Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at 11pm
* You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go to your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid
* When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in bed, you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of...each other
* Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names
* You have annoying nicknames like Chotu or Chicku,(lots more to add here)
* Your parents call all your friends "Beta" whether they are Indian or not Your parent are panicking if you aren't married and you turn 25
* Either you really like Indians of the opposite sex or you can't stand them
* Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds
* A horoscope must decide your wedding date
* Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day
* You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot"
* Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried
* You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried
* In the smallest...of subcompact cars, you still can't see over the wheel without a phone ...book.
* WITH the phone book, you can't reach the pedals.
* You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but who insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to...anyone YOU know.
* Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.
* Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.
* You notice that whenever you go to another Indian's house, your parents always talk about work and business.
* The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start talking...about them.
* Every few months your parents say when they're moving back to India
* No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.

"Good morning, bapu and bibi jis. This is your very handsome captain welcoming you to Ranj-Jet Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery.

This is the ek, dho, five, sex flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers!

Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.

For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court settlements.

We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary chaa during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to record it off the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the window.

Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we are very advanced at Ranj-Jet Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming kacha to the uncles!

Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Ranj-Jet Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White House, well it is the same bloke!

Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find a belt please tie your nala to the door handle. And for those of you who can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit. Thank you for choosing Ranj-Jet Airways. We guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.

"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

"What is it?" asked the American.

"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.

"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"